I’m looking for some new quotes for my Seinfeld-quote-spewing twitter bot @hellooooonewman. There are currently 161 tweets in its database and the bot has sent over 246,000 tweets. If you take a simple average, each quote has been tweeted over 1,500 times. Its time to update the bot with some fresh content.
I’m admittedly not the biggest Seinfeld fan so I need your help! Please leave some new quotes in the comments. The quotes will make it back into @HelloooooNewman‘s replies. Ideally the quotes are no longer than 125 or so characters in length to allow for a username to be included in the reply. My program will truncate any tweets longer than 140 characters. Full quote database after the break.
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME! If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars! I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in. Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason. Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo. Oh, you're as pretty as them. You just need a nose job No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special. I'm speechless! I have no speech! I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney. You know a muffin can be very filling. I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! I want a Papaya King hot dog! I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all! Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it.Its too risky.You get a sense of it and then you look away. Everyone thinks we're gay!... Not that there's anything wrong with that. And one more thing; they're real, and they're spectacular. You know, sometimes when I think youre the shallowest man I've ever met,you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool. This is beyond B.O. This is B.B.O. This is our best model: The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like...you're almost glad to be handicapped. When you control the mail, you control information! Jerry...this woman hates me so much...I'm starting to like her. A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime. I'm doing a coffee-table book on coffee tables He's a male bimbo...He's a mimbo! The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of. You're in the kitchen. You see an eclair in the receptacle. So you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash." He recycled this gift. He's a regifter Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it. Newman, you magnificent bastard, you've done it! You may know it better as Myanmar, but it'll always be Burma to me. Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold! You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister! It's Christmas for some, a Festivus for the rest of us!! Ew, Mr. Apple, you have a brown spot! Hey, I'm on First and... First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty. Yo Yo Ma. You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian. I'm speechless. I have no speech. God... it's like a sauna in here. I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual." Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution. Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well. Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. Hoochie Mama. People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax. Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell. That's a lotta potatoes. Yada, Yada, Yada. You have the rooster, the hen, and the chicken. The rooster goes with the chicken... So who's having sex with the hen? I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall? You're killing independent George. Helllllooooo. That... is one magic loogie. You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum. Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with? See... I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me? I'll be back. We'll make out. What is this salty discharge? You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU. The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing. Is this a gym or a fitness museum? He fires people like it's a bodily function! You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man. I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it... I feel like Robert Wagner. The cat - mmrrrooowwwrr - is out of the bag! This thing is like an onion: the more layers you peel, the more it stinks! Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out! Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling.. It pains me to say this, but I may be getting too mature for details. I've always been a stall man. It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you subtract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist. I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like asking them to donate a kidney. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas! I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood. Women don't respect salad eaters. Man, it's the nineties... It's Hammer time! Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad? I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs. There's nothing more sophisticated than diddling the maid and then chewing some gum. I've never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation. Moles: Freckle's ugly cousin. I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings. I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. She had man-hands! You know what they say, 'You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle. It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music. If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all. Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For? This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. You think people will still be using napkins in the year 2000? Or is this mouth vacuum thing for real? If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer. My neck is one gargantuan monkey fist. Vomitting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vomitted on Chamberlain, Chamberlain still would have given him Czechoslovakia. When you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skimp on the swank. Are you still master of your domain? Well, I'm Out! To the idiotmobile. You're an anti-dentite. You're killing independent George. I was in the pool, I was in the pool. I think I can sum up the show for you with one word; Nothing. Yeah, I'm a great quitter: It's one of the few things I do well...I come from a long line of quitters. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. Hello Newman. No soup for you. You can stuff your sorrys in a sack, mister. The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man sending back soup in a deli. So you're killing yourself, because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled! Ted Danson makes $800,000 an episode. I can't live knowing that Ted Danson makes that much more than me. No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square. You win: I drop dead. I win: I don't drop dead, and I get 100% anti-drop-dead protection - forever! You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret. You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered... but registered mail is not necessarily certified. I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless. In any other shoe, I lose two inches; I can't have a drop-down. We were eye-to-eye; I can't go eye-to-chin. You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on! Why'd you put the balm on? Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called 'The Net,' with that girl from the bus. What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend? I think that ginger ale at the coffee shop is just Coke and Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit. Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia? Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car. I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes! Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell! Speaking of ex's, my ex-boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today. Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier. I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protege is a hack. I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall? Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine??? Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? It's a leper colony there! Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans! You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD. Oh my God, I'm having an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it... I feel like Robert Wagner. Cheap fabric, and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise. The Dewey Decimal System... What a scam that was! I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pit bull on a poodle. It's Risk. It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives. Let me just finish my coffee, and then we'll go watch them cut the fat bastard up. Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint -- it's delicious! I think we really need to be in front of the television set. You take TV out of this relationship, it is just torture. It's a reverse peephole. Now I can peek in and see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit.